How many friends did you invite over?

Have you ever had that moment when you look around your house and can't find your kid because there are so many other kids at your house? What is your first thought when that happens? - why did you invite ALL your friends, who are all these people, hide the good china - or is it - wow this means I'm the cool mom, awesome - I know where my teenager is - I don't know what your first thought is, but I know what it should be. You see, if you are at home and your teenager invited over so many friends that you can't count, it means one (or more) of the following things - in no particular order.

1. The friends of your teenagers like you
2. All the other parents have kicked them out
3. You are a super strict parent that won't let your kid have a life out of your line of sight
4. Your teenagers like you (which is probably more important than #1)
5. You have a cool house
6. Your home is a "safe" place
7. The homes these teens come from must be horrible if they like yours
8. You are truly making an impact on the teens in your life

Now I know there may be other reasons, but those are what I came up with off the top of my head. But the real reason I put the list together is to let you know that it is not a bad thing when your house is the place to be - well, unless it is because of #3. When teens are at your house - or really any age - you know where they are and what they are doing and can control/influence what happens. When they go elsewhere, you have no control and less influence. 

There is something you have to do when you have your kids and their friends at your house. YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION. I knew of parents once that had all their kids' friends over for a bonfire/birthday party. After the fire got going, the parents went to bed - yes you read that right - they went to bed. I said "what were they thinking?", but then I remembered something - they were NOT thinking. Even though our kids are at our house we still have to be proactively involved in what is going on. That doesn't mean we have to sit in the middle of their hangout, but you need to at least check what is happening every once in a while. 

Once your home has been established as "the place," it becomes easier and easier for you to have an influence on what happens in your kids', and their friends', lives. And whether we want to believe it or not, we are the biggest influencers of our kids. So let's use that position of influence that God has given us to point our children and their friends in the right direction.

Be a good example

So as I drove into the Walmart parking lot the other day, I saw one of the most amazing things. There was a father with his young son standing at the crosswalk waiting to go to their car (I guessed that's what they were doing). I noticed that he had his phone out and his son was jumping up and down putting something in front of the phone and the dad was getting annoyed. He kept raising the phone higher and higher so the kid couldn't put the piece of paper (or whatever it was) in front of his phone. I realized he was trying to take a picture and his son was trying to stop him. So I thought to myself - "self, what is he taking a picture of in the parking lot of Walmart?" I looked in the direction he was taking the pic and noticed there was an attractive young lady walking through the parking lot away from him. He was trying to take a picture of her and his son was trying to stop him.

I was shocked for about a millisecond, until I remember some of the other times I have seen or heard about parents being a bad influence on their kids. You see, in my years of working with students, I have seen many parents that want their students to make good choices and have asked my advice on how to help them do that. I thought I would share some of those things parents have asked me to help them with.

- My son has a problem with profanity can you help him get it under control

- My daughter is sleeping with her boyfriend can you help her understand why that is wrong

- We need to help our guy students understand that they should not objectify women

- My daughter needs to dress less provocatively can you teach about that

I had a father come to me and talk about his son's problem with bad language and how he wanted my help to change it. So I talked to his son just about life to find out about him and get to know him. During the course of the conversation, he told me that his dad didn't like that he used profanity. But he also said he didn't understand why his dad had a problem with it. I asked why he didn't understand, and he said "because my dad cusses more than I do." I had no comment for him. We talked about it but in the end he didn't change because his dad was a bigger influence than I was.

Once, a mom came to me and told me that her daughter was no longer going to be involved in our student ministry because we were not doing a good job helping her understand that sleeping with her boyfriend was wrong. I expressed my sadness in not having her daughter anymore, but asked what had led to her decision to pull her daughter from our ministry. She told me that she found a letter from her daughter's boyfriend to her daughter that was about planning to have sex together. Since she had met her boyfriend while at a student ministry event, she said she wasn't comfortable with her attending anything else we did. At that point in my life, I was a little less straight forward and confrontational, and so I didn't say what I was thinking - "maybe if YOU were not living with YOUR boyfriend she would not think it was ok to have sex with HER boyfriend." But I didn't say it.

Not long after that conversation, I was talking with a parent that volunteered in that same student ministry. We were talking about an upcoming teaching series for our students and she made this statement - "we really need to help our guys understand that they shouldn't objectify women and only see them as sex objects." I thought that was a great thought - as it is something we talk about every year with our students - until I saw her Facebook page a few weeks later. She said that she had a great day at the beach with her girls, watching all the hot guys walk by. I thought to myself that I could no longer take her advice because in her mind it was ok for women to objectify men but not the other way around. Wow, what was she saying to her daughters that day on the beach?

The most recent example might be the father that tells me his daughter really needs to stop dressing so provocatively. I told him - in a whisper - that the word today is sexy. This dad was really concerned that his daughter was attracting the wrong kind of attention. And I would agree with him, so what was I suppose to do? I couldn't walk up to his daughter and say "you are showing too much skin - stop." Why couldn't I say that? Two reasons - 1. I like my job and think it might be in jeopardy if I did that   2. I saw his wife not long after and noticed that she dressed very similar to his daughter. So how can I tell her that she shouldn't dress like her mom? You know, come to think of it, this teen doesn't have a job that pays enough to buy the clothes she wears, so mom or dad is buying them for her. So really, I would be going against a huge giant of an issue because her parents had already influenced her to a point that I could not help her much.

You see, something that these four parents didn't understand was that parents are the biggest influence on their kids. That's right I said PARENTS. You may not realize it, but you have the most time to spend with your kids and therefore have the most influence. So use it, and help them make good choices. You ARE going to be an example to your kids, so why not be a good one?

VG Junkies

Video Games, video games, video games...our kids play them all the time; on their phones, ipods, computers, consoles, mobile gaming devices and I'm sure by the time you read this (tomorrow sometime), there will be a new way to play video games). In fact Google is in the process of developing glasses that give us augmented reality.

(Augmented reality - is a live, direct or indirect, view of a physical, real-world environment whose elements are augmented by computer-generated sensory input such as sound, video, graphics or GPS data. Thanks Wikipedia) 

In other words as we walk around we will always be connected to the internet and using that connection we will be able to get live information about where we are and even play video games that are based on the places we are in. So one day we, (ok our kids) will be able to walk through the mall playing a game with just their eyes. So how do we help them learn what video games are okay to play and which ones need to stay on the shelf at the store?

Well first, lets look at the different video game genres (yes there are several different types of games). These are in no particular order - FPS (first-person shooter), Action-Adventure, Adventure, Sports, Role Playing, Simulation, MMO (massive multiplayer online)- and I'm sure there are others that are not listed here. Now, most of what we hear about in the news and see many of our kids playing are FPS - Halo and Call of Duty being the most popular of this genre.

In these games, you are seeing through the eyes of a soldier as you do battle. Action-Adventure and Adventure games are similar to the FPS but instead of seeing through the eyes of your character you see the character themselves. Sports - should be self explanatory, but if you are not familiar with them, check out this website to see what a sport is - ESPN.

Role Playing used to be "from the devil" when I was younger, but in reality a role playing game is a game where you take on the role of a particular character and walk them through the process of becoming whatever it is they become in that game (a Jedi Knight, a wizard, a soldier, etc). Simulation games are quite broad in what they can be - anything from a flight or racing simulation to the Sims franchise where we help people in the game live their lives. MMO is similar to Role Playing games but is done in an online universe that involves thousands and maybe millions of people - World of Warcraft or WOW is the most popular MMO right now.

Read more about ratings by clicking here.

Now that you know some of the types of games that are out there, how do we judge whether or not it is okay for our kids? Well, the first place to start is with the rating (which can be found on the package or you can look it up online using google or something).

What is the rating, you ask? Well, they're like the movie ratings but the classifications are different.

EC - Early childhood
E - Everyone
E10 - Everyone over 10
T - Teen
M - Mature
AO - Adults Only

I think those ratings are pretty easy to understand and so that is the first place you need to start. But then there is still the question of how to help our kids know what to pick and what to leave on the shelf. I think there are a couple of factors here and most don't have to do with age.

The biggest is how mature your child is (I mean how mature they really are, not how mature you think they are, because we all think our kids are like five years more mature than they are). The biggest test for younger kids is do they understand the difference between fantasy and reality? Because if they don't, then they need to stay with the E or E10 games (most games that Nintendo put out are in this category). So your child's maturity is the number one consideration, and the second is how mature is your child. (I know it is the same but you can have maturity in the different areas of you life so I'm calling it two different considerations.) 

So the second area of maturity is self discipline. Can they stop playing the game to do homework, eat, bathe, sleep, whatever? You would be shocked at how many hours someone can waste in a single day playing a game that they are sucked into. The average - non-multiplayer - game takes anywhere from 8-20 hours to play all the way through and it is not uncommon for our teens to beat a game in one weekend. Now, once you factor in the multiplayer side of a game, we are talking about hundreds of hours being committed to playing through the game to the point that they have bragging rights with their friends.

I know of one teen that has played through the latest Call of Duty game 8 times in 6 months and another student that has played 4 days 2 hours and 31 minutes since Christmas and he says, "I haven't really put that much time into it." To sum that up, our kids can waste a huge part of their lives being sucked into a game. So "Can they handle the content? should be our first question,  then "Can they handle the game and budget their time well enough so they don't become a Video Game Junkie?" should be the second question.

Once we think we have a handle on that, then we need to sit down with the game and check it out. Either watch them play, or find a review of it online or even a video on Youtube to see what it is like. Once we have approved the game, then why not sit down and play with them. Even if you suck, your kids will love trying to teach you to play. And as I talked about a few posts back, quantity time is what our kids are looking for.

What happens when we find a game that we don't want them to keep? Well, for now there is a place called Gamestop that you can trade it in towards the purchase of a game you do approve of. So let's help our kids not become junkies but instead help them make good choices about the games they play and the amount of time they spend playing them.

The fire ant test

When I was a kid we played a crazy game. Growing up in South Carolina (SC) we had a rather large fire ant problem. (you know those little ants that bite like a crazed dog) So we would find the biggest fire ant mound we could and try to push each other into the pile. Obviously, if you went into the pile you lost. I know you are thinking I'm crazy and I would have to agree (I mean I work with teenagers for a living). As I think about this game we used to play and how that would look if I tried to play it today here in South Texas (ST) I think it would look completely different. You see here the fire ant mounds aren't mounds at all but rather bumps, so there would be no way to play this game. But what does that have to do with anything?

Well you see, sometimes we see things going on in our kids lives that to us seems like fire ant mounds. You know, when they don't do their homework, disobey something we have told them to do, want to have pink hair, listen to screamo music, etc. What do we do when our children do or want to do something so horrible that we just cannot control our desire to crack down and make sure that they live up to our standards and desires? How do we not make SC ant hills out of what are really ST ant hills? You see, many times we look at something that our kids do and see all the negative parts of it. We also see that we have told them not to do something "a thousand times," but what we don't see is that our kids are actually in the process of learning who they are and figuring the world out. In other words, when our kids listen to music that we can't stand, they are just trying to find their type of music, or when they want a mohawk at 5 they are just trying to determine what their hair is going to look like for the rest of their life.

I will grant you that some of those things are big deals. If our kids don't do their homework, they may not make it through school and be able to go to college. But when they want to ride a skateboard instead of a bike, or get their nose pierced, it is not the end of the world as we know it. We have to begin to see our kids as people and not just our kids. As our kids begin to grow up - yes, even at 4 or 5 they are growing up - they have to discover who they are and we have to let them.

When my son came to us at 5 and said "I want a mohawk," we said ok, but you can only have it on the top and not down the back. He said ok and he still has it 3 years later. Someone asked me why I let my 5-year-old pick a mohawk and I had only one response "why not?" We see things in our kids lives, and we think they are huge, dangerous ant hills, when really they are just those little ants that get in your kitchen and annoy you. So, how do you decide what is a big, nasty SC fire ant mound and what is a small ST fire ant mound?

Well, here is the test - you need to look into the future and see if you would be upset if your kids were doing that thing while they were in college. If you would, then fight the battle. If you wouldn't care, then as Reba would say "lettitgo." So when your kids listen to music you don't like, remember your parents probably don't like your music either. From this point forward, when your kids do something that you don't like, just give that thing the fire ant test - is it a South Texas fire ant mound or is it a South Carolina fire ant mound? If it is a SC mound, then get out the fire ant poison and take it out. If it isn't then "lettitgo."

facebook, twitter and instagram what are those again?

Social media is huge today, but you already knew that, since you are on a social media site right now. Let's see, for me I am at least somewhat active on Twitter, Facebook, Blogspot, Flickr, Words with Friends and Instagram - at least that's all I can remember. I would venture to guess that if you have a child that is between 12 and 99, they have an account on at least one of these, if not multiple. You probably have an account on one or more of these as well. (And if you don't, why not?)

No, really, why not? You see, if your kids have an account on one of these sites, then you need to have an account as well, or at the very least have access to their account. We have to check behind our kids to see what they are putting out on the web for the world to see for so many reasons - here is a short list:

• Sexual predators
• Involvement in drugs/alcohol 
• Sexual activity with the person they are dating
• Cheating in school
• Signs of depression
• What they think about you
• Colleges and employers look at their pages

Now, I know that is a short list, but really there are many more. I think all of those are huge in the lives of our kids and their relationship with us. But how do you know if you they are putting themselves in bad positions even if you do have accounts on these sites? How do you know that your kids don't have multiple accounts on the same site so they can show you one and their friends others? How do you know?

I don't think you can know 100%, but you can follow it pretty closely with a few easy steps. First, friend them on the site (or follow, or whatever it is on the particular site - if you don't know how then ask them to help you.) Second, check on their profile on a regular basis - that means go to their site and even look at their page while they are on it. If you look over their shoulder and their page looks different than the one you see, it might mean they have more than one.  Third, ask them about some of the things they post. They don't have to be big important things, but just asking them in real life lets them know you are not just spying on them. Fourth, don't put mushy, sappy stuff on their wall or they will make a second page. (That means moms, you can't post xoxoxo on your son's facebook page on his birthday, as much as you would like to.)

The biggest part is just get involved and pay attention. Talk to your kids about what they put up and help them understand the dangers without sensationalizing them. And have fun with social media - who knows -  you might like it more than your kids do!

Watering my grass

Watering the grass is one of those things that I hate doing. I think it has to do with the fact that I hate yard work altogether. But I forget to turn off the sprinkler at the right time, and I end up watering the road in front of my house or I have a lake in my backyard.

But with all that said, I know I have to water my grass - because I live in south Texas and if you don't it will die. Then I'll have a brown yard. Then I will get cracks in my yard and it will make my foundation crack. I know you are saying to yourself "I thought this was a parenting blog, why is he telling me about yard work?"

Well since you asked, I'll tell you. We water the grass because it has to have water to grow. We have to give our grass what it needs to be able to thrive. In the same way we have to give our kids what they need to thrive - physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually - because that is what we do. So what is it that they need to thrive?

Physically, they need you to show them affection - hug them, kiss them, put your arm around them, high five, fist bump, just make physical contact so they know you love them. Take every opportunity to show them physical affection. This is easy to do when they are little and cute but it is important even when they act like they don't like it when they are teenagers.

Emotionally, they need to know that you love them - they need to hear the words come out of our mouth. Our kids need to hear the greatest three words in the English language: "I love you." But they also need to hear words of encouragement and affirmation. We need to tell them when they do things good and right and not just bad and wrong.

Socially, our kids need us to help them learn how to fit in - in other words not be socially awkward. How do we do that? We have to help them not stick out like sore thumbs but we don't want them to be consumed by trying to be popular. To do this, we need to give them safe social environments to learn how to interact with peers. I think one of the greatest places to do that is sports teams and church student ministries.

Spiritually, we need to help our children see that God is the most important relationship they have - they need to see that God is our most important relationship. We must model what it means to put God first in our lives. It is a great idea to have some type of regular Bible reading together as a family as well as praying together as a family. I've found recently that the best time for us as a family has been supper time. I pull out my iPhone and use Youversion to read a portion of the Bible and then we talk about it for a couple of minutes.

Now that we know how to give them what they need to thrive, we need to keep one more thing in mind.  Just like when I water my grass, we can over do it. Sometimes we see these four areas and we just pour into those areas and we can overwhelm our kids. We can end up watering the road or making a pond in the backyard.

Physically, we can crowd our kids and take away the specialness of the affectionate touch we give. Emotionally, if we say those three words all the time they can begin to lose meaning. Socially, we can put so much pressure on our kids to "fit in" that we can take away from who they are and cause them to focus on being popular and fitting in more than just being who God made them to be. Spiritually - there's no way to over do this, right? WRONG. If we push too hard in this area, we can make our kids feel like they can never measure up. We can also make them think they can just rely on the fact that we have a great faith so they are good to go. So give them what they need but don't overdo it.

One last thing - sometimes we just need to let our kids be kids and remember that if we are giving them what they need, they will still make mistakes and sometimes it is just part of being a kid.

"Nothing"

"Nothing", "I'm fine", "I don't know". Do these answers sound familiar? Which one do you hear most from your teenager/pre-teen? I think both of those are copout answers and if we let our kids get away with it, we are taking the easy way out ourselves.

When someone says "nothing," "I don't know," "I'm fine," or any other teenage answer to a general question, they are doing it to avoid the real issue, whatever that may be. Sometimes they are avoiding the issue as much as they are avoiding talking at all. Many times teens and pre-teens say these things just to see if we really want to talk, or if we are just trying to make ourselves feel better by having asked a question at all.

There are times that we as adults ask kids something just because we feel like it’s our job, and not because we actually want to have a discussion with them. When we ask questions designed to get an easy answer, we are hurting our kids and ourselves, not to mention our relationship with them.

How do we hurt ourselves? That is a good question--thanks for asking. When we allow our kids to wiggle out of really talking, we miss the chance to help them learn, influence their decisions and generally get to know them as people, not mention the most obvious thing—we miss the chance to PARENT THEM.

So how do we stop the copout? The first step is to recognize it for what it is: An easy way out. Then, when we recognize the easy answer, we have to stop it in its tracks. The best way I have found to combat the "nothing" answer is to ask a more specific question. (Instead of "How was your day", ask "How was your first period class?", or "What did you have for lunch?") Anything more specific that will jog their memory is better than letting them get away with yet another “Fine.” Many times our kids genuinely don't remember what they did during the day and we have to help them think through it so they can remember. 

So, recognize the copout, stop it in its tracks, and finally, don't stop with just one question. Sometimes we ask a question like "How was first period?" and we get about 30 seconds of conversation out of that but we let it end there.

We have to go further. Either ask a totally different, yet specific, question or build off of that one. "So what did you think when Mr. Jones said Abraham Lincoln was the greatest president?" or "How did you do on the pop quiz in English?" Anything goes. The biggest thing is to begin to ask questions designed to get more than a one-word answer. Eventually we will get the hang of it, and our kids will understand that we truly care about them and what is going on in their lives. When they realize that, the floodgates will open.

Homework time

I don't know about you but when it comes time to help my kids with homework, I would rather go to the dentist. I hate all the whining and crying and everything else that goes with homework (and the kids whine a lot too!). But we have to help our kids - that is part of parenting, or so I'm told. But what happens when you don't know what you are doing and can't help them with their homework? Well, back when we were in school the answer was easy, but not that fun - tutoring. You either had to stay late after school to let your teacher help you or our parents had to pay someone to tutor us, and that doesn't sound cheap to me.

Today, there are other choices. For us, when my son started struggling in math this year, we called my mom, who teaches 5th grade math, and now they are Skyping on a super regular basis while she teaches him one on one. Now I know not everyone has that luxury, but there are some other options in todays world of technology.

There are great options on the internet to help your kids learn, and many of them are FREE!! One that comes highly recommended is Khan Academy. They have over 3100 videos to help your kids learn better - or even help you learn something so you can help you child. This is a great site from what I have seen. My son doesn't know it yet, but this afternoon he will be working with the Khan Academy. I'll let you know how it goes.

So, instead of pulling your hair out, check out Khan Academy or one of the other sites listed below.
(I don't specifically endorse any of these sites I just found them for you through google. Comment on this blog if you use one and have feed back.)

Learn to Be
Free Math Help
Sheppard Software - for younger kids

What do I do now?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you child does something and you have no idea how to respond or what do? You are just frozen with shock and you are trying to figure out how to discipline them without killing them? The other day I was in the kitchen doing something - probably washing dishes it seems like we can dirty every dish with one meal, how does that happen? Sorry I'm digressing.

Anyway I was in the kitchen doing something and I notice my boys are wrestling in the living room. Nothing major, that happens all the time. But sometimes one will take it too far. My youngest did something that hurt my oldest and instead of understanding that is what happens when you wrestle my oldest got mad and kicked his brother across the room. He literally put both feet on his chest and pushed as hard as he could. I was shocked. I could not believe what I just saw. I had only one response. "GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!!"

I really just wanted to pick him up and throw him to his room but I restrained myself and just sent him to his room while I checked on his brother. Don't worry he wasn't hurt... severely anyway but he was crying and so I picked him up and held him and stuff. All the while trying to calm myself down so I could deal with his brother in a way that would be constructive and not destructive.

Once the situation was under control, I went to talk to my oldest and we talked about strength and how he was bigger and stronger than his little brother. We talked about injuries and how he could do long term damage to someone doing what he did. Then I gave him the consequences that were going to come down because of his actions. He was mad and didn't want to do what I was telling him he had to do but I had to stick to my guns and make him follow through with the punishment. I can only hope and pray that the consequences were enough for him to understand that he cannot do that any more.  But what do we do in the moment when our kids do the stupidest thing we have ever seen? How do we handle it and what do we say?

I think there are a few things that we have to be ready to do when there is that moment of stupidity with our kids. First, remember they are young and will do stupid stuff. My line to my wife is "he's only _____ years old." We have to keep that in mind because sometimes our kids seem like they are very mature and then they act like a kid again and we don't understand what happened. We have to be ready for them to act like kids.

Second, we have to understand that the best way kids learn how to act is through trial and error. So when they make an error we have to help them learn, not just blow them up. They do something stupid and then we have to help them learn not to do it again. How do we do that? Discipline.

But when we  discipline in one of the WDIDN (what do I do now?) moments we have to be careful. It is easy to give out punishment that we never intend to follow through on. (you are grounded for a month, you cannot have your phone back for three weeks, etc.) When we don't follow through with punishment, then we lose the ability to discipline our kids. They see us as weak and non-committal, and then when we threaten to do something they think - "yeah, but that won't last so no big deal."

We have to take a moment to think and calm down so we can make good choices. There have been a few times in my kids' lives where I didn't tell them the punishment for the action until the next day because I needed time to think it through and make it something that would have an affect on them learning what they needed to learn.

So when you have a WDIDN moment, remember to take a few moments before responding so that you can help your kids learn through trial and error. Have you had one of those moments lately?

Good vs. Great

Many of us as parents want to help our kids be "good" people and have "good" jobs and have "good" families and really just be "good" people. So how do we do that? How do we help our kids be "good?"

I think that is the wrong question entirely. I think we should be asking the question how can we help our kids be GREAT? Don't you want your child to be great and not just good? I think most parents want greatness from their kids but have fallen for the myth that only a few people in the world can be great. Yes, I said that is a myth. 

There are many myths when it comes to raising our kids and helping them through life. I think the good or great myth is a huge myth. Most of us don't even realize that it is a myth we believe, but we do. We think "if I can just help them become a good person then I will have succeeded," but what we are really saying to ourselves is "I know they probably won't be great, so I will just settle for good." You see, we look at famous people and think "Man, I wish my son or daughter would be like that one day." but in reality they may be but they may just not be famous for it. 

We have begun to equate fame and greatness in our culture and they are not the same things. Just because someone is famous doesn't make them great, and just because someone is great doesn't mean they will be famous. The idea that our kids will not be great has led us to the place where parenting is in the US today. It is a little thing I like to call "friendship parenting." 

Friendship parenting defined - Friendship parenting is when we as parents want to be liked by our kids so much that we will forgo anything that might hurt their feelings so they won't be mad at us. (i.e. Johnny I know I said you couldn't have your phone back for two weeks and it has only been three days but you can have it back.)

When we begin to go down the path of friendship parenting it leads us to live out the "good myth." When we live in a state where we are just trying to make our kids happy, we no longer have the ability to influence their lives. I was talking with a parent the other day and as we were talking she said she wasn't happy with things her child was purchasing on their phone. I was shocked by that because I'm pretty sure this 12 or 13-year-old doesn't have a credit card to be able to make mobile purchases. My thought was "why are you giving her the ability to do that?" But I knew the answer. She, like many parents wants her child to like her. 

I talked to another parent recently that said her child was out past curfew and didn't let her know where he was. "Their phone was dead," this parent said. "I should have checked their phone but I didn't think of it at the time." Then she said something that was profound for parents in our culture right now. She said she was going to be dropping him off at the prom the next weekend because she couldn't trust he was going to do what he was suppose to. I wanted to put her picture on a billboard and shout from the roof tops because this parent gets it. They understand the danger of "friendship parenting." 

We have to move beyond the point where we are more concerned with whether or not our kids like us and become focused on whether or not they are going to be great or just good. I want my kids to be great, and like it or not, that is going to take work. We are going to have to work hard to help our kids learn what it means to be great. 

We have to help them learn what media to take in, what friends to have, who to date, what to say and how to act. We have to help our kids learn how to make the right choices in life and sometimes that means we have to upset them because of the consequences we give them based on their actions. There is another myth that sometimes leads us to friendship parenting and it says this - "Labor ends when the baby is born." In other words, the work is only starting when the baby is born and from that point we have to continue to work to help make our kids great. Don't lose heart, they can be great, but they need our help and friendship too, but the friendship should never outweigh the parenting. 

We may hurt their feelings and make them mad, but in the end, our kids can be great if we will be the parents they need us to be. 

Quality vs. Quantity

As we think about spending time with our kids, there are two schools of thought. One says we have to spend "quality" time with our kids, and the other says that we have to spend "quantity" time with our kids. In other words, one group says make it good, meaningful time and the other says just make it a lot of time and it doesn't really matter what you are doing. As I look at kids and families, I don't see that there is any difference between the two. In fact, I think without one you cannot have the other. What do I mean?

To quote one of my favorite movies, "let me 'splain, no we don't have time, let me sum up." (Inigo Montoya, Princess Bride) 


What is quality time anyway? What does it mean to spend quality time with someone? Well, I wasn't sure so I looked it up. Where you ask? Only on the most reliable source on planet earth...Wikipedia. And according to the all knowing Wiki quality time is "time spent with a loved one that is in some way important, special, productive or profitable." So I have to ask, what makes something one of those things? I am not sure I know the answer. Is it possible to know what is going to be special to your kids before you do it? Is it possible to plan what things are going to leave great memories? 


For instance, one day I decided to go for a walk in the woods with my kids and my camera. They could play and I could take pics. I thought it would really just be a normal day where nothing important or special or productive took place. But it turned out to be a great memory with my boys that I hadn't planned. Not that you can't plan great things but sometimes those special moments are spontaneous and happen when we least expect them. So, I think to have quality time with our families we have to have quantity time as well. When we are there for a large portion of their life, things that we didn't expect to happen can become quality moments with our kids. 


So there is no way to have quality time without quantity time. If you only have time for your kids when you plan it out to be a great memory, then you will miss out on the little moments that make all the difference. Those small things may seem small but in reality they are huge. I was planting flowers the other day and noticed that some of the seeds were about the size of a grain of sand and yet I knew that when that plant grew and a flower bloomed from it, it will make a huge impact in my yard. If you want to have a huge impact on your kids, don't limit yourself to "quality" time. Instead, let's begin to spend quantity time with our kids and see what the impact will be.

Music in...what comes out?

With iTunes, Pandora Radio, I Heart Radio, Spotify and any number of other mobile and Facebook apps that students use to listen to music on the go, music is truly in your student's ear all day long. (They even make hoodies that have earbuds in the drawstrings) Unlike many of their parents, teenagers can listen to music, play a video game and watch a movie all at the same time. With all that media flowing into their brain, what comes out in their life is a question many parents ask. How can we help students make the right choices with the media they take in?

There are so many choices for music and other media, many times it's as if parents are looking through a dirty windshield when it comes to figuring out if the media their students are taking in is acceptable. So how can you find out what they are listening to? There are several ways to accomplish the task of learning your students' music and other media. (When we talk about media I think music is the most influential on students' lives because unlike movies and TV shows they listen to it over and over again, and therefore it becomes a part of who they are. So I think music is the most important part of media to have a handle on as a parent.) So what are some of those ways? I'd like to look at two ways today and then maybe in the future we can look at some others. 

photostock

#1 Listen to their music with them - I know it's loud and not very good in your opinion, but that is what your parents said about your music. So find some time to sit down with your student and listen to their music with a lyric sheet in hand. (you can find the lyrics on this cool new thing called google) With the lyrics in hand, you (and your student for that matter) can understand all the words. There is no need to listen to all of a song but get the point of what the song is trying to say. Then talk through the song with your student and have them determine if it is a song that is in line with the moral code that your family is striving to uphold. When you do this, you need to be prepared to have your child ask you about your music. So it would be a good idea to be ready to go through a few of the songs you listen to with them as well. And if it doesn't live up to the same code you want their music to live up to you, need to be ready to get rid of it. This is by far the best way to help your students see what their music is saying and whether or not it is the right thing. Many times they will say "I don't listen to the words." When they say that, the one thing you need to point out to them is that they can sing along to the songs - which means whether or not they like it, the words are in their head. And when we have stuff in our head it affects the way we act and think.

#2 Help them find positive music - It is important for students to have music they can listen to because it is part of who they are in their culture. So how do you help them find music that they like but comes from a perspective that you are ok with? For the most part, you probably don't listen to the type of music your students like to listen to and so I'm here to help you find music that they may like and yet has a positive perspective. Click here for a music comparison chart to the right. This chart will help you see the bands they listen to and ones that are coming from a more God-focused perspective. So check it out and find some bands that you will not have to worry about your student listening to. 

I hope these are helpful to you as you navigate the crazy waters of modern media. Stay tuned for more ways to impact your students.