"Nothing"

"Nothing", "I'm fine", "I don't know". Do these answers sound familiar? Which one do you hear most from your teenager/pre-teen? I think both of those are copout answers and if we let our kids get away with it, we are taking the easy way out ourselves.

When someone says "nothing," "I don't know," "I'm fine," or any other teenage answer to a general question, they are doing it to avoid the real issue, whatever that may be. Sometimes they are avoiding the issue as much as they are avoiding talking at all. Many times teens and pre-teens say these things just to see if we really want to talk, or if we are just trying to make ourselves feel better by having asked a question at all.

There are times that we as adults ask kids something just because we feel like it’s our job, and not because we actually want to have a discussion with them. When we ask questions designed to get an easy answer, we are hurting our kids and ourselves, not to mention our relationship with them.

How do we hurt ourselves? That is a good question--thanks for asking. When we allow our kids to wiggle out of really talking, we miss the chance to help them learn, influence their decisions and generally get to know them as people, not mention the most obvious thing—we miss the chance to PARENT THEM.

So how do we stop the copout? The first step is to recognize it for what it is: An easy way out. Then, when we recognize the easy answer, we have to stop it in its tracks. The best way I have found to combat the "nothing" answer is to ask a more specific question. (Instead of "How was your day", ask "How was your first period class?", or "What did you have for lunch?") Anything more specific that will jog their memory is better than letting them get away with yet another “Fine.” Many times our kids genuinely don't remember what they did during the day and we have to help them think through it so they can remember. 

So, recognize the copout, stop it in its tracks, and finally, don't stop with just one question. Sometimes we ask a question like "How was first period?" and we get about 30 seconds of conversation out of that but we let it end there.

We have to go further. Either ask a totally different, yet specific, question or build off of that one. "So what did you think when Mr. Jones said Abraham Lincoln was the greatest president?" or "How did you do on the pop quiz in English?" Anything goes. The biggest thing is to begin to ask questions designed to get more than a one-word answer. Eventually we will get the hang of it, and our kids will understand that we truly care about them and what is going on in their lives. When they realize that, the floodgates will open.