The fire ant test

When I was a kid we played a crazy game. Growing up in South Carolina (SC) we had a rather large fire ant problem. (you know those little ants that bite like a crazed dog) So we would find the biggest fire ant mound we could and try to push each other into the pile. Obviously, if you went into the pile you lost. I know you are thinking I'm crazy and I would have to agree (I mean I work with teenagers for a living). As I think about this game we used to play and how that would look if I tried to play it today here in South Texas (ST) I think it would look completely different. You see here the fire ant mounds aren't mounds at all but rather bumps, so there would be no way to play this game. But what does that have to do with anything?

Well you see, sometimes we see things going on in our kids lives that to us seems like fire ant mounds. You know, when they don't do their homework, disobey something we have told them to do, want to have pink hair, listen to screamo music, etc. What do we do when our children do or want to do something so horrible that we just cannot control our desire to crack down and make sure that they live up to our standards and desires? How do we not make SC ant hills out of what are really ST ant hills? You see, many times we look at something that our kids do and see all the negative parts of it. We also see that we have told them not to do something "a thousand times," but what we don't see is that our kids are actually in the process of learning who they are and figuring the world out. In other words, when our kids listen to music that we can't stand, they are just trying to find their type of music, or when they want a mohawk at 5 they are just trying to determine what their hair is going to look like for the rest of their life.

I will grant you that some of those things are big deals. If our kids don't do their homework, they may not make it through school and be able to go to college. But when they want to ride a skateboard instead of a bike, or get their nose pierced, it is not the end of the world as we know it. We have to begin to see our kids as people and not just our kids. As our kids begin to grow up - yes, even at 4 or 5 they are growing up - they have to discover who they are and we have to let them.

When my son came to us at 5 and said "I want a mohawk," we said ok, but you can only have it on the top and not down the back. He said ok and he still has it 3 years later. Someone asked me why I let my 5-year-old pick a mohawk and I had only one response "why not?" We see things in our kids lives, and we think they are huge, dangerous ant hills, when really they are just those little ants that get in your kitchen and annoy you. So, how do you decide what is a big, nasty SC fire ant mound and what is a small ST fire ant mound?

Well, here is the test - you need to look into the future and see if you would be upset if your kids were doing that thing while they were in college. If you would, then fight the battle. If you wouldn't care, then as Reba would say "lettitgo." So when your kids listen to music you don't like, remember your parents probably don't like your music either. From this point forward, when your kids do something that you don't like, just give that thing the fire ant test - is it a South Texas fire ant mound or is it a South Carolina fire ant mound? If it is a SC mound, then get out the fire ant poison and take it out. If it isn't then "lettitgo."